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Mothers Close to Sons | Excerpts


The book offers plenty of suggestions about how to be closer with your son.  This excerpt is from the storytelling section and focuses on how to tell stories to boys where they are a character within the story.  They love it!


Telling Stories where you make them a part

mcb-cover-3d-4-8The book offers plenty of suggestions about how to be closer with your son. This excerpt is from the storytelling section and focuses on how to tell stories to boys where they are a character within the story. They love it!

Excerpt: Helping Mothers be Closer to Their Sons, page 72

“One of the things that young children love is if you tell stories that involve them as characters. This takes a bit of planning and creativity on your part but the payoff can be huge. The story can be whatever you would like it to be but for boys if there were an element of adventure and risk it will likely go over better. I would tell my kids what they named the “Ice Cream Story.” They loved it and would never fail to want to hear it again. Each time I told it we would add something a little different but the framework would stay about the same. The ice cream story was about my children and sometimes their friends (depending on who was present) inadvertently finding a huge storehouse of ice cream that flowed from faucets and an even bigger supply of cones and toppings (sprinkles, gummy bears, etc.) in the cabinets above the sinks. They would feast on these only to be nearly found out and then find ways to make things right. The story ends with the idea that they would return to that treasured storehouse whenever they wished and live happily ever after. In telling the story each child would be incorporated into the tale, i.e. “Suzy found the trail that led to the mysterious faucets and Jack ran to the nearest one and turned it on and what do you think came out?” They all scream at once, “Ice cream!” What flavor ice cream came from your faucet? Each child plays a part in the adventure and you can choose their part based on their skills and personality. Then again, listen to them as the story is being told and go with their ideas about their part. If you listen they will let you know what they want their part to be. If you are a creative type you can just make it up as you go. It can be great fun and everyone has a good time. Remember, you are not being graded either. Just relax and have some fun. If you mess it up, all the merrier. Boys love a mess. ”


mcb-cover-3d-4-8Research techniques have improved and are showing us some new sides of the hormone testosterone. This excerpt is part of the section that talks about some of those discoveries.

Excerpt: Helping Mothers be Closer to Their Sons, page 13-14

“For many years scientists have tried to solidify a connection between testosterone and aggression but have come up pretty much empty handed when it comes to trying to connect activational testosterone with aggression. They knew that when someone was aggressive their testosterone would rise but what they now suspect is that it was the aggression that was raising the testosterone, not the other way around. In other words, for years it was thought that testosterone was instrumental in causing aggression but now they are thinking it is the aggression that is raising the testosterone. In fact this latest thinking on testosterone helps us greatly in understanding the role of testosterone in the lives of boys and men.


What the scientists are beginning to believe is that testosterone is more about striving for status and then maintaining that status. In the words of one expert, Christoph Eisenegger, testosterone “increases an individual’s motivation and ability to acquire and defend social status.”11 This of course plays a large part in the social status hierarchies of boys and men. That is, who is on top who is second and who is last. It’s easy to see how winning confers status and testosterone encourages us to win contests and strive for status.


But how does testosterone do this? Researchers have now confirmed that testosterone not only pushes boys and men to win it does so with a variety of help along the way. They now know that testosterone decreases fear and increases risk taking. It is much easier to strive for status and to win when our fear is diminished and we are more willing to take risks. The fearful person is more likely to sit on the sidelines. The one more likely to take risks is the one we would expect to jump in.””

Precarious Manhood

mcb-cover-3d-4-8“This excerpt is from the section on “precarious manhood” that describes the latest research on the concept of manhood and how it is a moving goalpost that impacts boys and men.

Excerpt from page 28, Helping Mothers be Closer to Their Sons

“When girls successfully go through puberty they are nearly always considered to be women. They have no need to prove their “womanhood” to anyone. It is simply accepted. Not so with boys. Boys may successfully navigate the physical side of puberty but this does not make them men. Manhood is something that he must prove. Repeatedly. Scientists have dubbed this phenomena “Precarious Manhood” and state that manhood is not a condition that comes about through biological maturation, rather, according to David Gilmore, it is a “precarious or artificial state that boys must win against powerful odds.”23 They have studied this around the world and say that this is nearly universal. In a wide range of cultures a boy often faces a difficult task to prove his manhood and even when he succeeds he must continue to prove his manhood throughout his life.


Generally at puberty and beyond boys are expected to prove their worth. According to a leading expert on this topic, Joseph Vandello, “manhood must be earned and maintained through publicly verifiable actions.”24 This unwritten mandate leaves men and boys anxious about proving themselves. Vandello’s research has shown that men are indeed more anxious over this than are women and that in response to being challenged are likely to exhibit risky or maladaptive behaviors.”

Teaching Boys about Emotions

mcb-cover-3d-4-8“The following is an excerpt from the section on teaching boys about emotions and focuses on helping him use his body to track his emotions.

Excerpt: Helping Mothers be Closer to Their Sons, page 90

“The other thing you can do to help is to get him to connect his bodily experience with the emotion. Boys are usually very aware of their bodies and this can be a great way to help them understand their emotions. Show him that when he is angry he will likely hold his breath a bit, will likely clinch his fists and have tension in his upper body and jaw. When he is anxious show him that his breath will be quick and shallow, and he may feel a little shaky and timid. When he is glad show him that everything is pointing up! Literally. Watch football players after a touchdown and you will see that they are pointing up, bouncing up in the air etc. Everything is up, high fives and all. Note also that the opposing team is looking downward, feeling the weight and burden of gravity. When we are sad the pull of gravity is heavy, we don’t want to move, and we can feel stuck. By learning the body correlates of emotions, he will be in a much better place to understand his emotions and identify them through his body experience. I have used this in my practice with adolescent males many times. They come in with a great deal of emotion but are having are hard time becoming conscious of what they are feeling. I just ask them what they are feeling in their body and they start explaining in detail. My arms are tight, my jaw is tight, or my upper body is tight. I’m just tight. Then a simple question like, when someone is feeling tight like that, what might they be feeling? Then bingo! Often times the realization is so sudden he will shout, “I’m Pissed”, with great satisfaction. He realizes he is angry and starts making connections.


It will be much easier to ask your young son about what he is feeling in his body. Asking about emotions directly will usually end in frustration. He will likely respond positively to the body question but not so positively to the feeling oriented question. Not because he doesn’t want to tell you the answer but because he doesn’t understand. This is at least in part the case since the emotions are confusing for him and admitting that will drop him in the hierarchy. Talking about his body is a much safer place. Just ask him, “What are you feeling in your body right now?” This is a non-threatening question for boys and may help to get the conversation going. Keep in mind that some boys will have a very easy time in naming and discussing emotions while others will be stumped. Know where your son falls in this area and adjust your interactions based on his strengths.”

Boys Healing Through Creativity


“The following is an excerpt from the section on how boys heal.  This excerpt focuses on healing through creative action.

Excerpt: Helping Mothers be Closer to Their Sons, page 53-54


I once worked with a young man whose girlfriend was killed in a car accident. The young man was distraught and crushed by her death. Shortly after the death he did connect with some friends and talk about her and how hard it was for him. As time went on he found he had a great deal of pain due to her death and he found some creative ways to work with it. He played guitar and he started to write songs about her. He didn’t share any of this with many people. He kept it mostly to himself (invisible to most) but the songs were about her and about their time together and they were very emotionally powerful. Can you imagine as he is writing these songs what might be happening to him? He was surely experiencing the emotions surrounding her loss but he was doing so in a way that had nothing to do with talking and everything to do with an activity that helped him move into the feelings and slowly release them. No one told him to do this. No one instructed him about what to do. He did it on his own without any direction.   This is a great example of a young man using his creative action to help him with his emotions. He was telling his story through his creativity and his emotions and reactions were likely similar to what you might expect from someone else attending a support group.


How could you be of help to this young man? Would you ask him to sit and talk about his feelings about the death of his girlfriend? No. How about asking him about his songs? Which is your favorite? What is the newest song? Can you play one for me? The young man would be more likely to want to share a song than to sit and talk face to face about his feelings. As he played you can imagine the emotions would pour out. By focusing on his music you are entering his safe place. If he allows you to enter all the better but also know that he may not really want to share this. That’s ok too.